Today, I’m not going to think about you or wonder how you’re doing. I’m going to use that time and think about what I have to do, what I need to accomplish and who I need to be. I’m not going to waste any more time looking at my phone, waiting for a call or a message. I’m not going to waste any more time waiting for you.
Today, I’m going to let go of all the thoughts in my head and the heaviness in my heart. Today, I’m going to heal. I’m going to take a walk in the park and not wish you were there with me. I’m going to call my best friend without wishing it was you I was talking to. I’m going to wear that dress that I only wanted to wear for you. Today, I’m doing everything for me. Today, you’re not going to influence any of my decisions.
Because it all starts with one day, it starts with a simple decision, it starts with me deciding that I’ve given you enough chances and enough excuses to realize that things should come to an end. It all starts with a decision to heal. It all starts with one simple choice but it’s the most important one; it all starts with me choosing myself.
It’s easy to choose others every day because the thought of them makes you smile and adds rhythm to your humdrum days. It’s easy to make up scenarios and write love stories based on what you feel and it’s easy to lose your days trying to be part of someone else’s day and someone else’s life but it also drains you when you’re the only one thinking, you’re the only one trying and you’re the only one living a fantasy.
It becomes harder to wake up when you don’t hear from them, it becomes harder to focus on work when you’re wondering what you did or what you said that pushed them away, it becomes harder to love yourself when the one you want isn’t loving you and ultimately it becomes impossible to put yourself first when you’re deliberately not choosing yourself.
So today, I’m choosing myself. Today, I’m putting myself first. Today may just be one day but it’s more than that to me. It’s the beginning of a decision that will probably last forever. It’s the beginning of a new life that you’re not in. It’s the beginning of me not choosing you. It’s the beginning of me forgetting you.
Today, I’m choosing myself the way you choose yourself every single day.
Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, available here.